Fake tan, papal candies and conservative umbrellas: The art of political merchandise

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

The greatest pieces of merchandise of all time are, of course, lollipops with the face of John Paul II on them. Because what better way to show your religious fervor than by licking a sugar effigy of the late pope’s face?

The European Union is, alas, rubbish at merch. Upon arrival in Brussels sometime in the late 1800s, your correspondent noticed that many people carried golf umbrellas emblazoned with the logo of the EPP/ED (that’s the European People’s Party/European Democrats, fellow kids!) You still see these umbrellas — and as the ED doesn’t even exist anymore, that’s testament to the quality of the brollies. There’s little else in the way of interesting EU merchandise.

Brits are better at this stuff and it’s been on glorious display at the Conservative Party conference. The candidates to run what’s left of the Tory Party have been flogging merch: You could get Kemi Badenoch mints with “Stop Banning Things” written on the packet (pretty sure they are not banning mints); Robert Jenrick had caps saying “We Want Bobby J;” and, best of all, Tom Tugendhat had “Tugendtote bags,” “Tugendtats” (tattoos with the word Tom in a love heart) and even “Tugendtan” fake tan. Not making Tugendhats was surely an oversight.

On a side note, Jenrick revealed during the conference that one of his daughters has the middle name “Thatcher.” Could be worse, it could be “Truss.”

Now, we can’t talk about cheap tat flogged by politicians without mentioning Donald Trump.

You’ll doubtless remember that he already has a cologne called “Victory 47”, described thus by Adam Kinzinger, a former Republican lawmaker: “Take armpits, ketchup, a butt and makeup and put that … in a blender and bottle that as a cologne.” 

There are also Trump sneakers, Bibles, commemorative coins … and now, watches! There are two main types — Fighter and Tourbillon (which is a French term that means “whirlwind” and refers to a mechanism that increases a watch’s accuracy, rather than Trump just misspelling Four Billion). The latter is made of “The Most Brilliant Of Metals” because, as the man himself says in a promotional video: “I love gold, we all do.”

To help the EU catch up when it comes to branding, I’ve sent the following to the European Commission president: “Coming soon … The von der Leyen Collection — a series of beautiful timepieces, each named after one of her executive vice presidents!”

Thanks to Jack Blanchard.

CAPTION COMPETITION

“Olaf Scholz and friends celebrate a successful week by cutting one of Donald Trump’s ties.”

Can you do better? Email pdallison@politico.eu or on Twitter/X @pdallisonesque

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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.

“Sir, the only cats we sell in Aldi Springfield are Kit-Kats,” by Tom Morgan.

Paul Dallison is POLITICO’s deputy EU editor.